igbok

I always hear a lot of people say things like, "Life isn't always going to go your way."

But "Life" doesn't go anywhere. We go places.

And sometimes we mess up, and get frustrated with the time we waste, and wish that the "now" would actually be 5 years from now. Skipping ahead.

And sometimes I wish I could take the past 5 years and crumple them into a ball, like a damp newspaper, and throw it away, and start over.

Because most of the time I'm ignoring the beautiful things that are always, always happening to me. Because they're supposed to. I forget that while I was apparently "wasting" the last 5 years of my life in school, I fell in love. I began to write music. I made new friends. I lived so far away from home that Hercules couldn't get me back to Dallas for an emergency. That while I groaned about finding myself and hating life, the next day I loved it again, over and over and over. I dyed my hair who knows how many colors, and I worked at an Indian restaurant. I waited upon death with fear and grieved with hope for a friend. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and learned that, miraculously, I was going to actually graduate from college.

So in this time, God has stung my wounds, ripped me at the seams, and told me that I am exactly where I should be. My opportunities are endless. My life is rich and I have choices. I already know who I am, and I probably always have. Maybe it was that i wasn't happy with it yet.

And instead of the newspaper ball, these years can now be the front page of the Sunday paper, crisp, and thumbed through with my fingers. While I'm reading and absorbing every word-not skipping anything. And actually enjoying it.

Sanctuary.

I don't know a lot about why things happen in this world. I do know that there is an infinite Being who does, but who also doesn't want us to sometimes. Satan, that reprobate serpent that has so much control over the people and things of this world, somehow thinks that by creeping in, and messing with the small things, he is going to make shit hit the fan. And guess what, Satan? We both know that you're good at what you do. And sometimes on this earth, things go terribly, terribly wrong. Un-curable illnesses, fear, terrorism, all things that come from you. But maybe you've forgotten that the body of Christ is a living, breathing, impenetrable sanctuary of hope and life. Your ultimate destruction at the end of this finite existence will be the most glorious and victorious day for the coming of the LORD.

So, for the Matt Chandler's and Carson Leslie's and Apostle Paul's of this world:

I don't understand why Satan has so much power here, but I know that suffering happens in the midst of the glory of the living LORD. May we never cease to praise Him in the midst of suffering and doubt.

For Which It Stands

Last night I met people at work who encouraged me and lifted me up even though we were strangers. Again. But this time, we weren't really strangers.

And Indian couple came in to eat, not really a rare occurrence since it's an Indian restaurant, and it was a slow night so we started up a conversation. After small talk about the estrogen boosting effects of fennel, the woman told me that she and her husband live in Minnesota and that he is a pastor there. The Lord did not tell him to establish a physical church, but a comfortable place where all denominations can gather as ONE body of Christ to worship. Their goal, together and with their children, is to build up a restoration of God's presence in America.

Their names are Sharon and David Dawson, and I say we're not really strangers in the main sense of the word because we're part of the same BODY. David said that when he came to America when he was 24, he placed his hand on the Bible to become a citizen, and in his heart, was pledging his allegiance to GOD, the God that this nation was established on. This is no longer a "Christian" nation of course, but a melting pot of religions and cultures. One of the greatest things about America is that everyone has the freedom to believe what they want. But David makes it clear that his allegiance is not to a red white and blue flag, but to the God of this nation.

I rarely have encounters with friends, family or strangers in which the conversation is rolling on the Jesus train and just can't stop. When I realized that last night, I felt sad. To these people, these Indian Americans, these ripped from Hindu culture come to evangelize to the "Nation Under God" people, are totally on that train every singe day. For a purpose, too, and that's to get everyone else back on that train. Walking blessings.

I think that a lot of us quiet folk that call ourselves Christians should probably think some things over. Otherwise, what's the point at all?

Conviction, anyone?

2nd post of the day?

So,

The reason for the name of my blog:

I whispered, 'I am too young,'

And then, 'I am old enough';

Wherefore I threw a penny

To find out if I might love.

'Go and love, go and love, young man,

If the lady be young and fair.'

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it,

For he would be thinking of love

Till the stars had run away

And the shadows eaten the moon.

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

One cannot begin it too soon.

A Contrite Sinner's Prayer for Pardon.

Psalm 51

¹Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
³For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
⁵Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
⁶Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
⁷Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
¹²Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
¹³Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
¹⁴Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
¹⁵O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
¹⁶For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
¹⁷The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
¹⁸ By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar.

Get Home Strong

As soft and light as that floral scene.

Most of the time I don't know how to be thankful for something because I'm used to having it. And most of the time I only bother to be obviously thankful when a day on the calendar tells me to be. This year we stayed with my Nana and Papa in Nashville to have Thanksgiving with all the Tennessee Turners.

I like to see them but sometimes I get weary about staying with/spending time with family for a few days after having not seen them in a year or two. I feel obligated to play catch up with their lives, which I want to do, but hope to do without being awkward. Isn't it weird that you can feel awkward even around your own family? I think it's because your family loves you and knows you the best, and that's a raw knowledge. A stranger just gets the surface, so there's no need to feel pressure about being exposed, because you never will be. Family doesn't go anywhere, if you're lucky.

I realized what a difference there is between youth and old age. I think I learned this week that someone who is pushing 80 is probably going to tend to reminisce a whole lot more than the middle agers and young adults. They have already had their time of waiting for the future. But they have a whole life behind them, that's why. We're just starting everything. This is something that causes a strange tension in our family. The youth of this generation can never really relate fully to someone who lived generations before them, and vice-versa. It's supposed to be that way. This year I'm thankful for everything in the present. And that there's always something to learn from my elders.

My patience in my youth exists on a very thin string. But look at the life that could be left for me. What a waste to fast forward and plan and wait and rush when everything that's happening today is

SO BEAUTIFUL.

Sodium Benzoate (preservative).

Sometimes i feel very unsatisfied. Or, a lot of the time I feel very unsatisfied with the questions that go unanswered in my head. There are so many people that live on the earth. I don't know if I ever really think about it seriously, and for every one of those people, there is a unique life. When I stop to try to answer all my own questions, i hardly wonder what everyone else must be thinking and asking. Though everyone is unique from everyone, everyone struggles. And everyone is afraid of things, and everyone finds joy in something.

I think that sometimes I find joy in struggling. I'm the kind of person who easily makes things harder than they have to be because I'm dramatic and I take the drama seriously. I think, I cannot possibly be satisfied until this struggle is resolved, and that's mostly with all of my unanswered questions. I am always wondering how "we're just not supposed to know" is supposed to bring me peace. It still doesn't. This can be very uneasy for a Caroline.

But the joy that I get from some of those struggles makes me feel good because it's cathartic. It feels like things are healing when I'm asking and struggling and wondering wondering wondering. Sometimes the same things over and over again. The funniest part is, no matter how sick I am of not quite knowing what I want to, having that CONCRETE answer, there is the dwelling Spirit that makes something about a struggle very peaceful.

Sometimes I think the key to an answer is something as simple as never ceasing to seek. And to love also.