Get Home Strong

As soft and light as that floral scene.

Most of the time I don't know how to be thankful for something because I'm used to having it. And most of the time I only bother to be obviously thankful when a day on the calendar tells me to be. This year we stayed with my Nana and Papa in Nashville to have Thanksgiving with all the Tennessee Turners.

I like to see them but sometimes I get weary about staying with/spending time with family for a few days after having not seen them in a year or two. I feel obligated to play catch up with their lives, which I want to do, but hope to do without being awkward. Isn't it weird that you can feel awkward even around your own family? I think it's because your family loves you and knows you the best, and that's a raw knowledge. A stranger just gets the surface, so there's no need to feel pressure about being exposed, because you never will be. Family doesn't go anywhere, if you're lucky.

I realized what a difference there is between youth and old age. I think I learned this week that someone who is pushing 80 is probably going to tend to reminisce a whole lot more than the middle agers and young adults. They have already had their time of waiting for the future. But they have a whole life behind them, that's why. We're just starting everything. This is something that causes a strange tension in our family. The youth of this generation can never really relate fully to someone who lived generations before them, and vice-versa. It's supposed to be that way. This year I'm thankful for everything in the present. And that there's always something to learn from my elders.

My patience in my youth exists on a very thin string. But look at the life that could be left for me. What a waste to fast forward and plan and wait and rush when everything that's happening today is

SO BEAUTIFUL.

Sodium Benzoate (preservative).

Sometimes i feel very unsatisfied. Or, a lot of the time I feel very unsatisfied with the questions that go unanswered in my head. There are so many people that live on the earth. I don't know if I ever really think about it seriously, and for every one of those people, there is a unique life. When I stop to try to answer all my own questions, i hardly wonder what everyone else must be thinking and asking. Though everyone is unique from everyone, everyone struggles. And everyone is afraid of things, and everyone finds joy in something.

I think that sometimes I find joy in struggling. I'm the kind of person who easily makes things harder than they have to be because I'm dramatic and I take the drama seriously. I think, I cannot possibly be satisfied until this struggle is resolved, and that's mostly with all of my unanswered questions. I am always wondering how "we're just not supposed to know" is supposed to bring me peace. It still doesn't. This can be very uneasy for a Caroline.

But the joy that I get from some of those struggles makes me feel good because it's cathartic. It feels like things are healing when I'm asking and struggling and wondering wondering wondering. Sometimes the same things over and over again. The funniest part is, no matter how sick I am of not quite knowing what I want to, having that CONCRETE answer, there is the dwelling Spirit that makes something about a struggle very peaceful.

Sometimes I think the key to an answer is something as simple as never ceasing to seek. And to love also.

Raindrops on Roses

This picture is a combination of 2 of my favorite things: Tea sandwiches and the piano.

I LOVE TEA SANDWICHES. I could eat 40 tea sandwiches in one sitting. The smartie pants that decided to make these mini taste treats sans crust and with the most bizarre ingredients, like cream cheese and celery, is my imaginary BFF. Chicken salad, pimento, tuna, veggie, whatever. Yours truly will be at your baby/bridal show for the sammies.

And I looooove pianos. The best instrument if you ask me. The coolest and the prettiest. One of my favorite toys.

AND A PIANO MADE OUT OF A TEA SANDWICH?

Glorious. Basically this picture made me happy. It made me hungry and happy.

Princess Sparkle+Captain Oats

Isn't my sister a badass? She took these pictures of me. She took a lot more downtown that night, but these are the 3 we chose for Kyle's anniversary present. They were printed as a series of 3 in this order onto black canvas and it turned out to be pretty sweet. I think he liked it. Thanks for being so good at taking pictures, Ishie.

I like to love someone the way I love Kyle. The first time he told me he loved me I didn't say it back. It was because I didn't yet. But only because I didn't get it. Eventually the formulaic property of how to love becomes very blurry and you discover there really isn't one. I think you just know when you do one day.

The only love formula that makes sense to me is this one:

Multiplying DAYS = Multiplying LOVE

There is always something to learn about love and loving someone else. It's a fun series of discovery.

Woah, Caroline, cheesy post.

Kyle is definitely way more cheesy than me most of the time, though. Like a Seth Cohen kind of cheesy. Go ahead and put the Death Cab record on so we can dance to it in your bedroom, Kyle. (HE LIKES IT). So do I.

Seal-Cat

You know when you look at someone or something and they look like someone or something else for just a split second? I love when that happens. Like today when I looked at Mugsy and she looked like a seal. Yeah, a full-on seal. Or when you look at another human and they look like a random animal or appliance? I don't know really I just think it's cool.

Brains are cool, they way they trick your eyes and perception and stuff. This really isn't supposed to be some iceberg of a post, like with lots of meaning underneath it. I just think the brain is way cool.

Also, maybe it means that everything and everyone is really related to everything and everyone else. That there is some sort of common thread in everybody. I know that humans share the image of God in their very being, but just by looking at someone and then something else--maybe it's never impossible to relate two things. Does that even make sense? I don't know. I just think there is some sort of bond somewhere. There has to be actually. If humans create lifeless and alive things, both, and you can see the mark of the creator in both. Like a baby will almost always look like its parents and an innovative vacuum will always have some sort of indication that it was made by an imperfect somebody. Maybe an imperfect somebody with like really harsh angles and pointy features like his or her vacuum. Maybe I'm also going too far with all of this.

Anyways, isn't this a cool photo?

I have the flu, or something like it, but Regina Spektor is in town tonight, and I WILL GO. Can't stop me. Ellie and I have been waiting for this for a while now. Tonight is the night.

O, Regina, it would be impossible for you to put on a bad show.

Is Supergirl wearing Doc Martens?

There are so many things I want to do/be able to do in my life. Like be a skywalker? HOW cool is that. I don't think I realize, sometimes, how creative humans are. There are nudists, musicians, authors, tattoo artists, gas station attendants and astronauts. And each one of those vocations requires an individual to do their job in a personal and unique way. Opportunities. Abundantly. The job market may be the lowest that it's been since 1983, but amount of creativity in people has not decreased since then. It's true that not everyone will be awarded with a top choice career their first year out of school, or even their 10th. If you're an accounting major and Ernst & Young decides to say, "Sorry, Mac," after seeing your shining application, then remember that there is always a concrete purpose and never a dead end. I have trouble remembering that sometimes. Or really, I torture myself about the future I think I won't have. Thinking that I'm out of options is simply just not giving myself enough credit. Look, I'm not going to be a cardiologist because I don't want to be, but if I wanted to, I'd find a way to make it happen someday. Moxie.

But hey, if this swine flu epidemic gets out of control, and no can can ever work for themselves or leave their homes, here's an option. Those are way cooler than the blue papery masks, right?

Fly Ball

This weekend marked ONE YEAR of Kyle and I being together. We are two partners in crime. And look how cute that kid is. Gaaaah.

It's even crazier, you could say, that I really don't remember a time before Mister Kyle. I think most of was happening involved me floating through the atmosphere aimlessly until I got that Facebook invitation to one of his Dallas shows. That's sort of exaggerating but whatever. Partly accurate too, I would say.

We played catch with each other a lot this weekend. We also ate like kings. We also watched a camera man film a Dorito's commercial by Lakeside. We also found a Charlie Brown coffee mug for $2.00. We also drove down Swiss avenue to check up on those dying leaves that should be covering the ground by now. We also got out my old lizard collection and took turns picking them to build up reptile armies. We pretty much love each other a whole lot.

Kyle always leaves Dallas at 6:00 to embark on that Monday morning sunrise drive back to Waco. "Four more days 'till I see you!" That's what we always say. It's good that we are only an hour and a half away from each other. Could be worse. Kyle could live in Michigan.

This weekend we are going to eat Schmaltz's and tasty breakfast burritos and ride our bikes around the town.

Arnold Palmer

Virgie has worked the back register at Eatzie's for as long as I can remember, calling me "baby child" or "mama" for all that time, while she makes me the tastiest Arnold Palmer in town. Today, like usual, I paired my sammy with Virgie's special drink.

She handed it to me and said, "Mama, don't even think about comin' in tomorrow for another one of these. I know I make the best one in town but Miss Virgie's gettin' married in the morning!"

Then she pulled out a picture of her fiance and talked about how handsome he was. Isn't he handsome. Yeah, that's my man. Virgie was smiling in that disgusting way you do when you're just THAT in love. Although they had planned on getting married on Valentine's Day, he surprised her a few weeks ago with the suggestion of tying the knot down at the JP as soon as they could.

Mom said, "Well he was probably realized just exactly what he had and wanted to be with you as soon as he could!"

Virgie beamed, "Mama I know that's right!"

Virgie's Arnold Palmers are always better than the last one. Virgie remembers my face when I slap my goods onto the counter. Virgie has a precious life of her own, and that complete happiness that was painted onto her face made me want to cry.

There are so many tiny pieces of joy that make up the mosaic of people.

Tomorrow, at 11:30, Virgie is going to put on her sassy black heels, black skirt, and white blouse. Her man is going to put on a sharp black tux. And next to some fountains downtown in the midmorning, they will wed without the company of anyone else. Virgie has true romance after her shift at the register. And that is the greatest thing ever.

Not to go overboard, but on the way out of Eatzie's, we ran into a young girl embracing the man she was with, her hands shaking while she squeezed her cell phone. She looked up at us and had sheer relief and joy exploding from her exposed teeth.

"Sorry!" she laughs, tears rolling down her chin, "I just passed the Bar! I just passed the Bar."

She couldn't believe it. I was so proud of her, and we were strangers.

And then a few hours later, someone who was either the sickest or saddest human in Texas, took the lives of 12 people on his army base. Not one of them deserving of be shot out of the blue during their regular routines. That man, the embodiment of total anger, confusion, and emptiness, caused some of all that scattered joy to disappear for a little while. The joy that, before his rampage, was alive and well in that army base. He replaced all of that joy with fear.

I wonder if Virgie's joy is something strong and important enough to surpass the fear that the destructive beasts of this world so heartlessly invoke.

Because of her eyes and her smile today, I think it could be.

Drama

I realized today that I get very riled up at just the silliest things. Like... I spent $3.87 on a coffee from Starbucks today. It was a tall, non-fat, one-splenda iced latte specifically. Soooo North Dallas-y obnoxious as far as coffee goes. Like the antithesis of a good old fashioned black brew.

And really it was because I was too lazy to get out of bed in time to make my own coffee, like I normally do. Plus, I actually enjoy this specific iced and caffeinated drink, made especially by "the man" for "the sucker." And I drove away from that drive-thru so ANGRY that Starbucks would overprice coffee so dramatically. But really I was the sucker. With a happy palate after that first sip.

The sip that followed with extremely unnecessary blame for "THE man."

Because during those times when I'm holding a homemade coffee that ultimately costed me like .10 cents to brew, I bash and damn that effffffing coffee bazilionare corporation that just RAKES it in, thanks to the gaziiilion folks every day all day who go buy their drinks. But really, Man, you are a savvy son of a bitch, aren't you? Sometimes I may even be jealous of you.

Caroline, you make coffee that tastes sooo much better.

Well, no. It's just cheaper you dramatic, coffee loving heretic.

I am sooo dramatic.

So I enjoyed my pricey drink in the midst of my silly pity party. And it was goooood.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/01/books/review/Kirsch-t.html?_r=1&ref=books

Doesn't even need to be paired with more words.

Entertaining Angels

The customer service industry can be frustrating for someone who has little to no patience with annoying and demanding strangers. Sometimes, though, strangers can remind you of the good in every person, and even the good in yourself. There have been a few instances in my life in which I have wondered if I was entertaining angels, though there is really no way to know for sure.

When I was hostessing on Thursday night, not wanting to be there, A husky, animated man from Yorkshire walked into the foyer, wearing an old coat and a smiling mouth that spit out thick-accented one-liners about the weather, the smell of Indian food, and my smile. He flirted with me like a grandpa would with a cute hospital nurse who just delivered his meds to him.

Throughout his meal, I would walk past him to pick up a to-go meal from the kitchen, and we would exchange smiles and laughs like we already knew each other. Then I would walk back to answer the phone, and the exchange would happen again. And finally, he called me over to his table that held up 2 empty Bud lights and 3 cleaned plates of what used to be the spiciest Indian food.

He grabbed by sleeve and pulled my ear toward his voice.

"I've got a good piece of advice for ya, gal. Because i can see that soft sparkle in yer eyes." (picture someone like Gerard Butler saying this to you, but not as good looking)

"Life is like an orgasm, gal. It's up to you on whether it's good or bad."

After he finished cracking himself up, he loosened his grip on my sleeve and let me stand up straight, slightly above his eye level.

"Just listen to me. I restore historical buildings all over the country. That's what I do. And as for you, I can tell that you know exactly what you want to do. You just need to figure out what you're going to do to get there. You think you're quite the rebel I'm sure, complaining about school and fighting with your parents over the pettiest things. Gal, be thankful for your parents. They love you so."

After he basically put Caroline Turner in the most fitting and accurate nutshell, I walked back to my hostess stand and beamed with encouragement. When there is a stranger that recognizes the moxie that you've always seen in yourself, it gives you reason to be brave enough to use it to get somewhere. At least it did that for me.

And when he was through, and he walked out of the dining room and toward the hostess stand, and he was putting his second arm into his second sleeve, he came as close as he could get to me, the hostess stand our only separator. He said, "Don't worry I don't want a kiss."

Then he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't you ever stop being a lady. You go home and tell your parents just how much you love them."

And he laughed again while the front door was closing.

Oh, how many times I have had to be reminded of my capabilities on this earth. On Thursday, it was an unassuming angel from Yorkshire.